5/22/09 The Noise

Personal Journal Exert

“If you want to hear me in the silence you must first learn to listen in the noise”

I don’t know quite what this means. It seems backwards from everything I have ever been taught. And yet it rings surprisingly true. All I can think of is a mother in a crowded store or at a busy party. The one who hears past the noise around her to respond to the cry of “mom!” She has learned to listen to her child, to know her child’s voice despite the world around her. Does the same exclamation bear the same weight in her own home? Maybe it means more to her – after all she can hear shout so clearly without the bustling of individuals and circumstances around. But what of the child (or in my case, the voice of God)? Does something not register with the child that the mom who responds faithfully when her attention is his still responds, is still in tune with him, when her focus is diverted? Doesn’t he know not all will turn and abandon the task at hand in order to pay attention? Only someone whose focus is as much on the child as on the task – while submerged in the noise – is capable of giving any sort of true allegiance. For anyone can claim to hear God when the focus is completely on Him but the one who learns to hear God when attention is also on other things...to find Him in the racket and chaos, now there is one who shows true faithfulness.

Tonight I went outside to have some needed “quiet” time without the rest of my group. I thought about taking my bible but ultimately decided against it. It had been a busy few days in Uganda and I considered perhaps God and I needed some time to process, digest. So I say down next to the wall and closed my eyes. I was vaguely making notice of the sounds around me and I reflected on how hard it was for me to “tune out” the world around me in order to just listen to God. You know, giving God my complete, undivided and undistracted attention. My attempts are a constant fail. But no sooner did I again endeavor than ever so gently I heard “so listen to the noise.” Umm, okay.

The frustration of the inability to tune out the noise was multiplied by tuning into it. The very literal noise was suddenly almost oppressive. Barking dogs. A chirping bat. The hum of cricked and the screech of cicada. Muffled conversation and rich laughter from my teammates coming from the side and from below. The brief sound of a homemade broom bristling against the hard floor. I was bombarded by sound. So much noise! And I listened. Listened until the cacophony was something I could no longer take. I whispered sharply into the night sky “what in the world am I listening for??”

The response was clear. Almost too clear. Nearly audible. “If you want to hear me in the silence, you must first learn to listen for me in the noise.”

I was baffled by this admonishment. Dumbstruck and questioning I ran inside to write down the phrase at the top of my journal before heading back outside to hear my answer. I did what I always do...stop paying attention and start making my scenarios. What does this have to do with Uganda? That’s what we were debriefing together, after all. “Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with Uganda?” Of course it does, I’m in Uganda! And so I made up some stories. Good tries. Noteworthy attempts. And the more I questioned the more I began to realize indeed, maybe it had “nothing” to do with Uganda (I mean, it could – but it didn’t have to be directly intertwined) and more to do with me.

I don’t want to dis quiet time, time set apart, making time just for God. In fact – it is super important to have personal time, focused time. One on one time. Like the mother with her child, it means something dear and thing are, or can be, very clear. But some part of me has always cringed when we take and stick God into a schedule – not that I even do that well! I need to be that conscientious – at least! – of fitting God into everyday life – the business and the noise. It reminds me a little of the way Eugene Peterson phrases Romans 12:1-2 in the Message. (placed in my journal in entirety after the trip) “So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” My everyday life includes the noise. And if I can learn to listen for his quiet voice and ever assured presence in the noise, then maybe I’ll know what I’m listening for and to in the quite and stillness...